dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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