I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
