wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
