i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
