I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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