I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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