I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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