Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
