I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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