Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
