I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
