U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
