No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
