well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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