I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
two words: eviction party
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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