for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
