the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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