it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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