If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
