Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
