My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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