I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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