man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
