Got a toothbrush?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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