I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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