you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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