I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
