I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
