HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
