bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
