I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
