my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
