We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
