Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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