I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
