I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
two words...techno handjob
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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