Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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