you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
