I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
