Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
