Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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