U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
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