You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
