I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
