I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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