loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
