NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
