I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
