Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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