I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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