Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
