tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
