where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
