hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
