Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
