u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
